


9.01 Avalon, Part 1

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-19
Updated: 2006-03-19
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of Avalon, Part 1, with audience participation.





	9.01 Avalon, Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Tam and Christi for beta reading, and a special thanks to members of my Live Journal friends list for their feedback and support: Eos, Mabinogi, Khek, Minxy, Sgflutegirl, Lt_Kitty, Amnellwyvern, and Msbeata.  
  
This week's definitions:  
  
OTP (One True Pairing) - the main ship/slash pairing for a fandom in general, or a fan in particular  
OT3 - a trio grouping, replacing the number can reflect groupings with more participants  


* * *

TEASER

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[A TECHNICIAN AND CHEVRON GUY WATCH THE GATE ROOM, AS MITCHELL, IN FULL DRESS UNIFORM, IS WALKING UP THE RAMP TO THE INACTIVE STARGATE.]

TECHNICIAN: Who's that?

CHEVRON GUY: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell. Two years ago. Dogfight over Antarctica. SG-1 found the Ancient Outpost. Took out Anubis's fleet.

TECHNICIAN: (awed tone) That's him?

CHEVRON GUY: That's him.

FARSCAPE FANS: That's *him* baybee!

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[MITCHELL IS STUDYING THE STARGATE WITH INTEREST. HE REACHES DOWN TO TOUCH THE RING.]

AUDIENCE: He's totally feeling the gate up, isn't he?

SGC STARGATE: [humming "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman"] 'Bout damn time someone shows me the love and respect I deserve.

ATLANTIS GATE: But... but... I got the Vegas slot machine upgrade!

SGC STARGATE: Age and experience trumps flashy trash every time, you ho.

ATLANTIS GATE: Bitch.

SGC STARGATE: Skank.

PUDDLE JUMPER: You know I love you both equally, right? [...] So how about a little three-way action?

FLASHBACK

EXT. ANTARCTICA

[MITCHELL'S IN COMMAND OF A SQUADRON OF F-302 FIGHTERS, FIGHTING AGAINST ANUBIS' AL'KESH AND GLIDERS. HE REMINDS HIS SQUAD THEY'RE THERE TO PROTECT SG-1 AT ALL COSTS.]

TEAM FANS: Think they could protect them from the writers?

[THE PROMETHEUS ARRIVES ON THE SCENE, WHILE JACK, TEAL'C, DANIEL, SAM AND BRA'TAC ARE ON A CARGO SHIP TRYING TO GET TO THE LOST CITY. MITCHELL'S FIGHTER TAKES A HIT, WITH TWO BANDITS ON THEIR SIX. ANOTHER FIGHTER ARRIVES AND DESTROYS THEIR PURSUERS, THEN THAT SHIP IS DESTROYED AS WELL.]

END FLASHBACK

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[MITCHELL IS CROUCHED DOWN, STILL STUDYING THE STARGATE AS THE GATE ROOM DOOR OPENS. HE TURNS TO SEE CHEVRON GUY WALK INTO THE ROOM.]

CHEVRON GUY: Chief Master Sergeant Walter Harriman.

AUDIENCE: You'll always be Chevron Guy to us, snookums. Or Radar O'Reilly.

[MITCHELL GETS UP FROM HIS CROUCHED POSITION AND WALKS DOWN THE RAMP.]

CHEVRON GUY: The general's ready for you, Colonel.

[MITCHELL PASSES HARRIMAN AND HEADS OUT THE DOOR.]

MITCHELL: (referring to the Stargate) It's bigger than I thought it'd be.

BDSMERS: So Mitchell's a size queen?

ATLANTIS GATE: He just called you fat, you ho.

SGC GATE: There's more of me to love, you cheap Vegas hooker.

ATLANTIS GATE: Who're you calling cheap?

AUDIENCE: Definitely not cheap, considering how much of the SG-1 budget has migrated to the Pegasus Galaxy.

SGC GATE: Must be spending all of it on booze. Only thing that could make the Vegas slot machine look good.

CHEVRON GUY: Yes, sir. (calling after him) Welcome to Stargate Command.

END TEASER

TEN SECOND OPENING CREDITS

AUDIENCE: What the hell was that?

WRITERS: That was the opening credits.

AUDIENCE: A spinny gate with a blurry image of the team, with a ten-second blast of music?

WRITERS: Yep. Sci Fi said to cut the credits down, so we did.

AUDIENCE: Does this mean there's more show now?

SCI FI EXECS: Silly viewers.

WRITERS: We keep saying that, but no one *ever* listens.

INT. LANDRY'S OFFICE

[CHEVRON GUY ESCORTS MITCHELL INTO LANDRY'S OFFICE AND TELLS HIM LANDRY WILL BE JOINING HIM SOON BEFORE HE LEAVES. MITCHELL THEN STANDS AND LOOKS THROUGH THE STAR CHART INTO THE BRIEFING ROOM WHERE LANDRY IS TALKING TO MEMBERS OF SG-12.]

FLASHBACK

HIGHLANDER FANS: Wow, we thought *we* had to deal with a lot of flashbacks.

INT. AIR FORCE HANGAR

[MITCHELL AND OTHER PILOTS ARE RECEIVING THEIR NEW ORDERS FROM HAMMOND TO GO TO ANTARCTICA TO PROTECT SG-1'S CARGO SHIP INSTEAD OF ATTACKING ANUBIS' MOTHER SHIP.]

MITCHELL: They think they may have found the Lost City of the Ancients.

REDMOND: (skeptical) In Antarctica?

MITCHELL: It doesn't matter where they are or what it is they're doing. It's SG-1 and we're going to cover their asses. ETA is nine minutes. Expect the enemy to throw everything they have at us. All right, saddle up, folks.

AUDIENCE: He's like totally fanboying over protecting SG-1, isn't he?

PERVS IN THE AUDIENCE: And he's really excited to be covering their asses.

BDSMERS: And there were saddles mentioned. Canon!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Bleach!

END FLASHBACK

INT. LANDRY'S OFFICE

LANDRY: (entering) Cocky sons of bitches. Marines. Never liked them.

[LANDRY PICKS UP MITCHELL'S SERVICE RECORD OFF HIS DESK AND FACES MITCHELL.]

LANDRY: You must be Colonel Mitchell.

MITCHELL: Yes, sir. It's good to be here, sir.

LANDRY: (flipping through papers in his hand) Your service record's impeccable, Mitchell. What's wrong with ya?

MITCHELL: Sir?

LANDRY: Nobody's perfect. Everyone has some sort of character flaw. What's yours?

MITCHELL: Sometimes, I can be impatient... sir.

AUDIENCE: So can we. Can we please get on with a plot?

[LANDRY PRESSES A BIT MORE, SAYING HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT MITCHELL'S "KRYPTONITE" IS, BUT MITCHELL DOESN'T ANSWER. LANDRY SAYS HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT, AND CALLS LOUDLY FOR CHEVRON GUY, WHO ANSWERS THROUGH THE INTERCOM.]

CHEVRON GUY: (over intercom) The files on your desk are the personnel folders you're about to request, sir.

LANDRY: (calling loudly) About to request? Walter, I'd appreciate it if...

CHEVRON GUY: (over intercom) You need to push the button to talk, sir.

[MITCHELL TRIES TO HIDE HIS AMUSEMENT. LANDRY STARTS TO SAY SOMETHING, THEN STOPS AND SIGHS, CALLING OUT LOUDLY AGAIN TO THANK CHEVRON GUY.]

LANDRY: You know, the thing that's hardest to get used to around here is how good everybody is at their job. Fact is, I like yelling at people. Never get the damn chance.

SNIT: OK, we very well might like this guy. A lot.

[LANDRY SHOVES A LARGE PILE OF FOLDERS TOWARDS MITCHELL AND TELLS HIM TO GET STARTED, BUT MITCHELL DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.]

LANDRY: You heard the disconnected voice of the little sergeant with psychic powers. Those are personnel files. Start picking your team.

MITCHELL: General, I'm here to join SG-1.

LANDRY: Colonel, you're here to *lead* SG-1.

MITCHELL: (shocked and hesitant) Uh, what about Lieutenant Colonel Carter?

S/J SHIPPERS: She up and married Jack and gave up command! We're prepared to squee at full volume!

LANDRY: She's taken command of Stargate's R & D out of Area 51.

S/J SHIPPERS: [pout]

NOROMOS: We're just ever so sorry you didn't get to squee.

S/J SHIPPERS: [sniff] Really?

NOROMOS: Oh, *hell* no. We just like to wind you up. It's so easy. All a man has to do is look constipated and you're convinced he's in love with the woman making doe eyes at him.

MITCHELL: (upset) Since when?

LANDRY: Last week.

MITCHELL: And Daniel Jackson?

LANDRY: Doctor Jackson put in for reassignment. Teal'c left the program over a month ago. I'm surprised General O'Neill didn't tell you.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: We're not.

MITCHELL: (more upset) No.

[MITCHELL TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT THE REASON HE REQUESTED THIS POST AND WORKED SO HARD WAS TO BE A PART OF SG-1, THAT HE WASN'T EXPECTING COMMAND. LANDRY AGAIN TELLS HIM TO TAKE THE FILES AND GET TO WORK.]

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[THE OFFICE IS IN DISORDER. BOXES, PAPERS, AND PACKAGING ARE SCATTERED ALL OVER. SEVERAL ITEMS ARE OFF THE SHELVES AND BOOKS ARE PILED TOGETHER. DANIEL IS MOVING TWO STORAGE BOXES TO AN EMPTY CHAIR WHEN MITCHELL KNOCKS AT THE OPEN DOORWAY.]

DANIEL FANS: What the hell is up with the beard?

TEAL'C FANS: Everyone's gaining hair, aren't they? It's vaguely disturbing.

WRITERS: It's so the audience can tell Daniel and Mitchell apart.

FARSCAPE FANS: Come on, *glasses* dude. We think we're smart enough to figure out which is which.

DANIEL FANS: And we damn sure know which one is which.

SMUTTY FANS OF DANIEL AND MITCHELL: Research! Lots and lots of detailed research. It's the only way to be sure.

DANIEL FANS: We know Our Guy on sight!

JOHN CRICHTON FANS: So do we!

SLASHERS: You know... it's almost like twincest.

TWINCEST FANS: Oooooh, the possibilities!

DANIEL AND JOHN CRICHTON FANS: Oooooh, the bleach.

[MITCHELL AND DANIEL GREET EACH OTHER, DANIEL ASKING IF HE CAME TO HELP HIM PACK AND MITCHELL SAYING HE WAS THERE TO SEE IF HE COULD TALK HIM INTO STAYING.]

DANIEL: You're kidding.

MITCHELL: I've been given command of SG-1.

DANIEL: Wow. Well. Well, good for you. You... uh... you deserve it.

AUDIENCE: He does? Really? Plan on showing us why?

WRITERS: All in good time. Unless our plan to distract you away from that plot point succeeds.

[MITCHELL SAYS THE SGC STILL NEEDS DANIEL, BECAUSE HE'S THE FOREMOST EXPERT ON THE ANCIENTS. DANIEL SAYS YES, AND THAT'S WHY HE'S GOING TO ATLANTIS.]

MITCHELL: Listen. General O'Neill gave me the choice of any posting I wanted. I chose SG-1. That meant Colonel Carter, Teal'c, and yourself. Not two letters, a dash, and a number.

TEAM FANS: One of us! One of us!

DANIEL: (still packing) Uhh, that's nice...

MITCHELL: I wanted to be on the front line, working with the best. I wanted to learn from you.

AUDIENCE: He's sucking up better than any vacuum cleaner we've ever seen.

DANIEL: Look, this is all very flattering, but uh...

AUDIENCE: Daniel's totally uncomfortable with Mitchell's fanboying, isn't he?

MITCHELL: That's not the point.

DANIEL:(stops packing and looks serious) I'm sorry. I mean I know I owe you one; we all do.

FLASHBACK

EXT. ANTARCTICA

[MITCHELL'S DAMAGED FIGHTER IS STILL AVOIDING ENEMY FIRE. SAM CONTACTS HIM VIA THE COMM SYSTEM, TELLING HIM THERE'S ANOTHER BANDIT INCOMING TO THEIR POSITION. MITCHELL FIRES ON THE AL'KESH AND TAKES IT DOWN.]

END FLASHBACK

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

MITCHELL: Listen, Jackson... I don't want you to stay because you think you owe me one. Unless, of course, you're considering it.

DANIEL FANS: Wow, he's an even bigger fanboy than we are.

DANIEL: Oh, no no. (reaches into pocket) I was just going to offer you my apartment.

SLASHERS: [perk]

[DANIEL HOLDS OUT HIS KEY TO MITCHELL. WHEN MITCHELL DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY TAKE IT, DANIEL SHRUGS AND DROPS THE KEY ON THE TABLE AS HE EXITS HIS OFFICE.]

MITCHELL: (defeated) Right.

INT. THE TEMPLE AT DAKARA

[MITCHELL IN GREEN SGC UNIFORM AND TEAL'C IN DRESS JAFFA ROBES ARE WALKING THROUGH THE VAST TEMPLE. ORNATE COLUMNS AND TORCHES DECORATE THE CORRIDOR.]

TEAL'C FANS: Dress robes. Mmmm.

MITCHELL: Brother, I love what you've done with the place.

TEAL'C: These columns were salvaged and restored from the original Ancient monument.

MITCHELL: Well, it's got a real high council feel to it. Hope you're taking lots of before and after pictures.

AUDIENCE: He's a total whore of a fanboy, isn't he?

TEAL'C: Where is the rest of your team, Colonel Mitchell?

MITCHELL: Actually, it's still kind of "SG-Me." That's one of the reasons I'm here. I was hoping... maybe you could help me.

TEAL'C: (considering) I can offer some names of those I consider to be honorable warriors.

MITCHELL: I appreciate that. I know you're busy.

[TEAL'C TELLS THEM THEY'RE TRYING TO BUILD A NEW GOVERNMENT THAT WILL SPAN ALL JAFFA WORLDS, BUT IT'S NOT GOING WELL.]

MITCHELL: Well, your people did just renounce their gods. I guess we've got to cut them a bit of a break.

TEAL'C: Too many are still steeped in an old culture full of antiquated rituals and are slow to accept change.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO DON'T MISS JACK AND/OR SHIP: Totally understand how some are like that.

MITCHELL: I understand Major Davis and SG-7 are trying to help out.

MAJOR DAVIS FANS: [perk] Oh, is he going to be in this episode?

WRITERS: No.

MAJOR DAVIS FANS: This season?

WRITERS: No.

MAJOR DAVIS FANS: You taunting bastards.

[TEAL'C EXPLAINS THAT HE HAS PROBLEMS TOO, BECAUSE MANY VIEW THE TAU'RI WITH MISTRUST AS THEY WERE FORMERLY ENEMIES. THEY THINK THE FORMATION OF THE NEW GOVERNMENT IS A WAY FOR THE TAU'RI TO TRY TO TAKE CONTROL, AND TEAL'C'S OWN CONNECTION TO THE TAU'RI ISN'T GOING OVER WELL EITHER.]

MITCHELL: Wow. Politics really does suck everywhere you go.

TEAL'C: Indeed.

[MITCHELL TRIES TO PITCH AN OFFER TO TEAL'C TO REJOIN SG-1, BUT IS INTERRUPTED AS RAK'NOR APPROACHES, TELLING TEAL'C THE COUNCIL IS RETURNING FROM RECESS. TEAL'C SAYS HIS GOODBYE AND HE AND RAK'NOR HEAD BACK TO THE COUNCIL ROOM, LEAVING MITCHELL IN THE CORRIDOR AS VARIOUS JAFFA PASS BY.]

MITCHELL: Did I mention I'm on a mission from God? Okay. Never mind. (spots a passing male Jaffa) Yo, you want to join SG-1?

BLUES BROTHERS FANS: Wow, a Blues Brothers ref from the SG-1 writers. Our esteem moves up a notch. A tiny notch, but still, up.

[AS THE MALE JAFFA CONTINUES PAST, MITCHELL SPOTS AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE JAFFA WALKING PAST.]

MITCHELL: (sultry voice) Hi. Cameron Mitchell, Colonel.

VARIOUS FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: [ded]

[HE CONTINUES TRYING TO TALK TO VARIOUS PASSING JAFFA, WHO IGNORE HIM.]

MITCHELL: Excuse me, can you tell me which way to the Stargate? Stargate? Chapp'ai? Chap... Just point a finger.

JAFFA FANS: Some might use one finger in particular, Tau'ri monkeyboy.

MILITARY AFICIONADOS: This doesn't bode will for his command in the field, if he can't even find the gate.

SAM FANS: Oh, he's just in temporary command. Sam's coming back, then she'll take over.

MITCHELL FANS: Um. Jack assigned Mitchell to command SG-1. Landry said so.

SAM FANS: Only because Sam's gone at the moment. She'll be back, and she'll be back in command.

MITCHELL FANS: OK. What. Ever.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[MITCHELL IS USING A VIDEO MONITOR TO VIDEO CONFERENCE WITH SAM, WHO'S WORKING ON THE DAEDALUS.]

SAM: Hi, Cameron.

SNIT: Already on a first name basis, we see. No more "Sir" for you, in more ways than one.

S/J SHIPPERS: [wail]

MITCHELL: Hey, Sam. It's good to see you.

SNIT AND NOROMOS: Your mileage may vary.

[MITCHELL LISTENS TO SAM RAMBLE A BIT ABOUT WHAT SHE'S BEEN WORKING ON, THEN HE ASKS HER TO COME BACK AND REJOIN SG-1.]

SAM: (laughing) I heard you'd been given command. Congratulations.

SNIT: [sarcasm] She sounds really broken up over giving up her command, doesn't she?

MITCHELL FANS: Yep, totally devastated.

SAM FANS: She's on extended leave. Seriously.

MITCHELL: I'm not kidding. You can keep an eye on R & D in your spare time, just like you always have. Besides, Dr. Lee is pouting because you got the post over him.

SAM: Really?

MITCHELL: No, I made that up.

LEE FANS: Or *did* he?

SAM: (half-smiles) I have my reasons for wanting this job.

S/J SHIPPERS: It takes out the whole "chain of command" issue, so she can be with Jack!

AUDIENCE: We're pretty sure Area 51 is under the control of Homeworld Security, so that means that Jack's still her boss.

S/J SHIPPERS: Shut. Up.

MITCHELL: I had my reasons for wanting THIS job. One of them was working with you. And please, do not say, "that's nice."

SNIT: [gag]

[SAM PROMISES THAT IF THE WORLD NEEDS SAVING, SHE'LL BE THERE TO DO WHAT SHE CAN. SNIT GAGS UNTIL THEY PASS OUT. MITCHELL IS WORRIED THAT THE WORLD WILL NEED SAVING BECAUSE HE SCREWED UP WITHOUT SAM THERE. THE REAWAKENED SNITTERS GAG UNTIL THEY PASS OUT AGAIN. SAM'S BEING CALLED BACK TO WORK.]

SAM: Sorry, I gotta go.

MITCHELL: Yeah. I'll buy you breakfast when you get back on solid ground.

SAM: (smiling) You're on. Talk to you soon.

SHIPPERS DESPERATE TO JUMP SHIP: He said breakfast instead of the usual lunch or dinner, didn't he? Breakfast in the morning usually means the night before too, right?

NOROMOS: [la, la, la] We can't hear you.

SHIPPERS DESPERATE TO JUMP SHIP: Then we'll start talking louder.

NOROMOS: [facepalm]

[THE VIDEO LINK SHUTS OFF, AND MITCHELL LOOKS ACROSS THE ROOM TO CHEVRON GUY.]

MITCHELL: Well, Walter. It doesn't look like we're getting the band back together.

FLASHBACK

EXT. ANTARCTICA

[MITCHELL'S F-302 IS HIT AGAIN, AND SPARKS FILL THE COCKPIT. HIS CO-PILOT, BANKS, IS THROWN FORWARD AND HITS HIS HEAD. MITCHELL PULLS THE EJECTION LEVER BUT NOTHING HAPPENS, AND THEIR SHIP GOES DOWN.]

NOROMOS: We hate to say it, but we like the phrase, "Their ship goes down."

SMUTTERS: We just like the "goes down" part.

EXT. PATIO OF LANDRY'S HOUSE

[JACK AND LANDRY ARE SITTING AT A PATIO TABLE, DRINKING BEER AND PLAYING CHESS. JACK ASKS HOW LANDRY REARRANGED THE OFFICE, AND LANDRY ASKS IF HE CAME ALL THE WAY TO COLORADO SPRINGS JUST TO CHECK UP ON HIM.]

JACK: No. I had to sign the papers to my house, and my car... motorcycle...

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee! He's moving in with Sam!

[LANDRY TELLS HIM THE DAY JACK TOLD HIM ABOUT THE STARGATE PROGRAM, THAT HE THOUGHT ONE OF THEM HAD LOST HIS MIND.]

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: We know who we'd pick!

JACK: That may actually be true. How are things working out for Mitchell?

LANDRY: Well, you could've told him that SG-1 had been reassigned. You should have seen his face.

JACK: (quietly) Yeah. I suppose, huh?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: But what would be the fun in that, right?

[THEY CONTINUE THEIR CHESS MATCH AND TALKING ABOUT HOW MITCHELL WILL GET HIS FEET AT THE SGC, AND LANDRY WINS THE CHESS MATCH WHILE QUOTING DOUGLAS MACARTHUR.]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[MITCHELL INTERVIEWS IDIOT AFTER IDIOT FOR HIS TEAM, WHICH MAKES THE AUDIENCE REALIZE THAT DUMB!JACK MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN SO DUMB AFTER ALL. HE'S LOOKING PRETTY DAMN SMART IN COMPARISON.]

AUDIENCE: The SGC is where the military sends all their screwups as cannon fodder, right?

[WHILE A SCIENTIST BLATHERS ON ABOUT A ROBOT, WHICH HE PROBABLY INTENDS TO USE AS A SEX BOT, MITCHELL LOOKS OUT THE BRIEFING ROOM WINDOW AT THE GATE.]

SGC GATE: Who's my very favorite fanboy, like, evah?

FLASHBACK

MITCHELL'S DOWNED F-302, ANTARCTICA

[MITCHELL IS BARELY CONSCIOUS, AS HE LISTENS TO THE VOICES ON THE COMM, DESCRIBING SG-1 SAVING THE DAY AFTER JACK POWERS UP THE ANCIENT WEAPON.]

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

[WE HAVE A MONTAGE OF SCENES FROM MITCHELL'S POV IN THE HOSPITAL BED -- A NURSE, A DOCTOR AND NURSE DISCUSSING HIS CONDITION, AN AIR FORCE OFFICER TELLING HIM THAT MITCHELL'S CO-PILOT'S BODY WAS RECOVERED, MITCHELL'S MOTHER, A DOCTOR TELLING HIM HE'LL PROBABLY NEVER WALK AGAIN, DANIEL IN CIVVIES SAYING THAT NONE OF THEM WOULD BE THERE IF NOT FOR MITCHELL, CARTER PRESENTING HIM THE CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF VALOR, AND EVEN JACK.]

SNIT: Sam *really* needs to find a brush. Or a pitchfork. They'd better be careful, there might be a needle in there.

JACK: Get well soon. And when you do, you can do anything you want, and I mean... professionally... anything you want. Well not... anything.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Not Daniel.

JACK/TEAL'C SLASHERS: Not Teal'c.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Not Sam either.

NOROMOS: Not no one, no how, let's move on!

END FLASHBACKS

AUDIENCE: Oh, we hope that's the end. We're getting dizzy from all the flashbacks.

HIGHLANDER FANS: You get used to it. Especially if there are kilts involved.

CAMULUS FANS: Kilts? Where?

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[MITCHELL JOGS THROUGH THE DOOR INTO THE GATE ROOM, WHERE LANDRY IS ALREADY WAITING. KLAXONS ARE BLARING, AND A FULL CONTINGENT OF SECURITY IS ALREADY STANDING BY. LANDRY TELLS HIM THAT SG-12 SHOULD BE ARRIVING ANY MINUTE, AND HE WANTED MITCHELL THERE. VALA, ACCOMPANIED BY SG-12, WALKS THROUGH THE GATE.]

VALA FANS: Squee!

FARSCAPE FANS: Double squee! With vomit and helium farts!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [moves chairs away from the Farscape fans]

FARSCAPE FANS: Was it something we said?

VALA: Well. Don't you all have me surrounded.

LANDRY: Welcome to the SGC. I'm General Landry.

VALA: Vala. Vala Mal Doran. (she walks down the ramp) Thank you so much for the lovely greeting party. We all had a wonderful time searching each other, didn't we, boys. (she pauses and looks at Mitchell) I know we haven't met. That I'm sure I would remember.

FARSCAPE FANS: [giggling hysterically]

[LANDRY INTRODUCES MITCHELL.]

MITCHELL: (cocking his head) Nice outfit.

FARSCAPE FANS: Bet you're glad you don't have to wear leather this time out.

MITCHELL FANS: [pout] We're not too thrilled, now that you mention it.

VALA: Thanks! While I would normally be thrilled to have so much testosterone at my disposal... Where's my Daniel?

DANIEL FANS: Get in line, bitch.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: Squee!

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Walter's totally sending a video to Jack about this, right? And cc'ing us on the really good stuff?

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[MITCHELL AND LANDRY ARE SEATED AT THE BRIEFING TABLE. THE SILVER CASE SITS IN FRONT OF MITCHELL. VALA IS STANDING ON THE GATE ROOM SIDE OF THE TABLE. SFS ARE SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE ROOM. DANIEL ENTERS, WALKING QUICKLY. VALA SMILES DEMURELY AT HIM AND TAKES A FEW STEPS FORWARD.]

DANIEL: (impatient) Okay. Where is it?

VALA: (taken aback) Nice to see you too? How have you been?

DANIEL: The tablet! The one that leads to the "incredible Ancient buried treasure."

VALA: There is no tablet.

DANIEL: What?

VALA: I lied. I had to tell you in... person. I'm pregnant.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: [faint]

DANIEL: [fume]

VALA: Pretty sure it's yours, anyway. There's at least a one in... (scrunches face) hmm... ten chance?

[VALA WINKS AT MITCHELL, WHO DOES A DOUBLE TAKE. DANIEL SPINS AROUND TO EXIT. HE MAKES IT TO THE DOORWAY BEFORE LANDRY'S VOICE STOPS HIM.]

LANDRY: Dr. Jackson! You're the reason we let her through the gate.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: He just *had* to see her again.

[DANIEL SAYS HE HAS TO FINISH PACKING, BUT LANDRY TELLS HIM HIS RIDE DOESN'T LEAVE FOR 12 HOURS, SO HE SHOULD AT LEAST TAKE A LOOK. LANDRY LEAVES, WHILE MITCHELL OPENS THE CASE AND VALA LIFTS A TABLET OUT OF IT. DANIEL STUDIES THE TABLET FOR A MOMENT AND SIGHS.]

DANIEL: Yep, I don't know where you got this, but uh, you got ripped off. It's complete gibberish.

VALA: It's written in code.

[DANIEL STUDIES THE TABLET AGAIN. MITCHELL STANDS NEXT TO DANIEL TO LOOK AS WELL.]

DANIEL: Well, I can't crack this in a few hours.

VALA: I know the cipher.

DANIEL: (biting his words out) Then why do you need me?

VALA: Well, reading it is one thing, understanding it is another.

AUDIENCE: We wish the writers understood that. Having characters with no linguistics skills, such as Maybourne, magically reading Ancient is silly. There's not an Ancient-English dictionary, at least not until Daniel gets around to writing one, and even if there were, there's like grammar and syntax and shit.

WRITERS: Tee hee, you said shit! And what's a sin tax got to do with writing?

VALA: The individual I got this from assured me that the treasure it describes is here on Earth. Now, I could have come by ship and looked for it myself, but I know nothing about your fair planet... other than it seems to have a rather interesting, if somewhat limited, gene pool.

[VALA LOOKS POINTEDLY AT DANIEL AND MITCHELL, WHO LOOK AT HER, TURN TO EACH OTHER AND BLINK, THEN TURN BACK TO HER. VALA SMILES.]

DANIEL AND MITCHELL FANS: While we admire her good taste, we still gotta point out -- glasses.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, it worked for Clark Kent, didn't it?

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[DANIEL IS AT A WORKTABLE, STUDYING THE TABLET. HIS OFFICE IS ONLY PARTWAY PACKED UP. VALA TELLS DANIEL THAT THERE ARE STILL GOA'ULD OUT THERE SELLING ITEMS TO MAINTAIN THE LIFESTYLE THEY WERE ACCUSTOMED TO, AND THE TABLET IS ONE OF THOSE ITEMS.]

VALA: Anyway, that isn't the issue. The question is, what's it worth?

VALA FANS: Ah, that's our girl. Always concerned with the bottom line.

DANIEL: Well, the Ancients aren't exactly known for secret stashes of gold. (he looks into her silver case) Like these, for example.

[DANIEL REACHES INTO THE CASE FOR A GOLD RECTANGULAR ITEM, AND VALA HOLDS A SIMILAR ONE. HE STUDIES IT FOR A MOMENT, AND SAYS IT'S GOA'ULD, NOT ANCIENT. VALA SAYS IT'S ONLY LOOSELY RELATED TO THE TABLET.]

VALA: Have you ever heard of the Goa'uld Nut?

DANIEL: As in cashew? Pea? Oh, you mean the Egyptian sky goddess?

VALA: Yes.

DANIEL: (bored) No. Never heard of her.

DANIEL FANS: Daniel's never been this snarky, has he?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: He's not been getting his recommended daily allowance of snark recently, among other things.

VALA: Well, these were her ceremonial marriage bracelets. She wore one and her husband of the moment wore one.

DANIEL: (still skeptical and studying the bracelet) "Of the moment."

VALA: Yes, she had many. It's one of the few admirable things about her.

SMUTTERS: Oh, we like her too.

[VALA WRAPS THE DEVICE SHE'S HOLDING ONTO DANIEL'S WRIST, GRABS THE ONE HE'S HOLDING. DANIEL TRIES TO GET IT OFF, THEN CALLS FOR SECURITY, WHO HOLD WEAPONS ON HER WHILE DANIEL TELLS HER TO TAKE THE BRACELET OFF. SHE REFUSES, THEN SNAPS THE OTHER BRACELET AROUND HER OWN WRIST, SAYING IT LINKS THEM TOGETHER, AND SHE WON'T UNDO IT UNTIL SHE GETS HER FAIR SHARE OF THE TREASURE.]

INT. SGC LAB

[DANIEL IS AT A WORKTABLE WITH GOGGLES ON, LOOKING BORED. DR. LEE HAS A FULL WELDING MASK ON AND IS USING AN ELECTRIC SAW TO TRY TO CUT THE BRACELET, WITH NO SUCCESS.]

LEE: That's the third blade I've gone through. I'm not going to be able to cut it off... (suddenly inspired) the hand. If we remove the hand from... No, I know that on first blush that doesn't sound like a viable option...

DANIEL: [rolls his eyes]

LEE: (continuing) ...but I understand that Dr. Bennett is becoming quite proficient adept at reattaching...

[DANIEL INTERRUPTS, ASKING ABOUT SG-12 CHECKING WHAT VALA BROUGHT WITH HER. LEE SAID THEY DID, BUT THE BRACELET WASN'T GIVING OFF ANY ENERGY SIGNATURE AT THE TIME, AND EVEN NOW, IT'S BARELY MEASURABLE. DANIEL ASKS HOW THE BRACELET WORKS, BUT LEE SAYS HE DOESN'T KNOW AND NEEDS MORE TIME. DANIEL SIGHS AND PULLS OFF THE MONITORING CABLES FROM THE BRACELET AND SAYS HE'S GOING TO FIND OUT. HE'S BARELY OUT INTO THE HALLWAY WHEN HE COLLAPSES.]

LEE: Whoa. Hey, are you okay?

DANIEL FANS: Does he *look* OK? *Help* him, for crying out loud. No, never mind, we'll do it. We're pretty sure a sensual massage will make him feel much better. OK, it will make *us* feel much better, but close enough.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Jack's got dibs on Daniel and the sensual massage. We're aiming for video.

DANIEL FANS: Hey, we're flexible, we'll watch that.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: They're pretty flexible too, it's just Jack's knees aren't what they used to be.

INT. SGC HOLDING ROOM

[LANDRY ENTERS TO CONFRONT VALA ABOUT WHAT SHE'S DONE. HE DOESN'T LIKE BEING DECEIVED, BUT VALA SAID SHE HAS TO DO WHAT SHE HAS TO TO GET BY. THEN SHE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR.]

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: It really *is* pregnancy! And Daniel's having a sympathetic pregnancy!

NOT FANS OF MPREG: We're skirting close to dangerous territory here. We hope someone has a stock of bleach handy.

NOROMOS: Got you covered.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[DANIEL IS WAKING UP IN AN INFIRMARY BED, WEARING BLUE SCRUBS AND HOOKED UP TO MONITORS. TEAL'C, IN HIS JAFFA ROBES, IS SITTING IN A CHAIR BY HIS SIDE, NOT NOTICING HE'S AWAKE.]

DANIEL: Teal'c?

DANIEL/TEAL'C SLASHERS: We'll be in our bunks.

REST OF THE SLASHERS: That's not all that bunk-worthy, is it?

DANIEL/TEAL'C SLASHERS: We don't get much, but we make the most of it.

[TEAL'C STANDS AND MOVES CLOSER TO DANIEL.]

TEAL'C: (relieved and surprised) Daniel Jackson.

[MITCHELL APPEARS AND ASK DANIEL HOW HE'S DOING. DANIEL DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, AND MITCHELL EXPLAINS IT WAS THE BRACELET.]

TEAL'C: They are called kor mak.

MITCHELL: (indicating Teal'c with a nod) Figured he might know.

DANIEL/TEAL'C FRIENDSHIPPERS: Mitchell is a smart man.

DANIEL/TEAL'C SLASHERS: No doubt.

DANIEL: Yeah, she said they were some sort of weird Goa'uld Nut marriage thing.

TEAL'C: I do not believe that to be the case.

DANIEL: No?

SLASHERS: We think Nut marriages would only be legally recognized in Canada, Netherlands, Belgium, and Spain.

TEAL'C: (regretfully) No.

DANIEL: Should've known.

TEAL'C: I have only heard of them in passing a very long time ago. But I believe it was Cronus who used this technology when a prisoner of value needed to be transported by one of his Jaffa. He would affix a bracelet such as this to both the prisoner and the Jaffa responsible for him. If they became separated for more than a short period of time, they would both become ill and die.

TEAL'C FANS: He's got lines! Several, all in a row!

DANIEL: Both?

VALA: (offscreen) That's just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

[TEAL'C TURNS AND STEPS ASIDE, AND DANIEL SEES VALA LYING IN ANOTHER INFIRMARY BED ACROSS THE ROOM AND AT A NINETY DEGREE ANGLE TO HIS. LIKE HIM, SHE IS DRESSED IN INFIRMARY SCRUBS AND HOOKED UP TO MONITORS. HER HANDS ARE TIED WITH PADDED LEATHER RESTRAINTS TO THE SIDES OF THE BED.]

BDSMERS: Restraints? Mmmm, looks like our packages *are* being received and *used* by Bridge.

[DANIEL RAISES HIMSELF TO LEAN ON HIS ELBOW.]

DANIEL: You didn't know?

VALA: Well, I knew it would make you sick. I didn't know it would have the same effect on me too.

DANIEL: (yelling through his clenched teeth) How could you not KNOW?

VALA: Because the person that I stole it from didn't tell me that part!

[DANIEL MAKES A STRANGLED NOISE AND THROWS A PILLOW AT VALA, WHICH DRAWS A *LOOK* FROM TEAL'C. MITCHELL ASKS WHY THE BRACELETS WORK THIS WAY, AND TEAL'C EXPLAINS IT WAS TO PUNISH THE JAFFA FOR HIS INCOMPETENCE, BUT HE ONLY HEARD OF THEM IN PASSING, SO HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO REMOVE THEM.]

DANIEL: (furious, to Vala) Please tell me you know how to take this off!

VALA: (pauses for a moment, enjoying Daniel's torment) Yes, of course I do. (pauses more and grins) I mean... that's assuming that the person I stole them from was honest about that part.

DANIEL: Just... do it.

AUDIENCE: Is he a spokesperson for Nike now?

VALA: (annoyed, then cheerily) All right! As soon as we find the treasure, and I get my fair share.

[DANIEL MOTIONS FOR TEAL'C TO COME CLOSER.]

DANIEL: (quietly) Okay. Just to clarify. When I kill her, I die?

TEAL'C: (nodding) Just as if you left her proximity.

[DANIEL PINCHES THE BRIDGE OF HIS NOSE.]

MITCHELL: Or we could just find the treasure.

DANIEL: [WTF?]

MITCHELL: The Daedalus left two hours ago. Sorry.

AUDIENCE: No, you're not, you naughty fanboy.

MITCHELL: Look, the tablet is written in Ancient code, right? I know it's not the lost city of Atlantis we're looking for here, but whatever it is could be worth finding. (pause) Or you're just going to have to marry that chick.

VALA: (grinning from ear to ear) Yeah! Let's make babies!

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: Yes! Let's!

NOROMOS: No, no, no, no, and did we mention, no.

SLASHERS: Ew, breeders.

DANIEL: [sigh]

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[DANIEL, TEAL'C, VALA AND MITCHELL ARE IN DANIEL'S OFFICE. DANIEL IS GROUSING ABOUT MISSING THE DAEDALUS FOR THIS, VALA TELLS HIM TO GET OVER IT. TEAL'C SAYS HE DOESN'T HAVE TO RETURN TO THE COUNCIL UNTIL TOMORROW, AND ADMITS TO MITCHELL THAT HE'S CURIOUS.]

MITCHELL: (excited) See, this is good, isn't it? Being part of a team again. Working together to unravel some cool ancient mystery? All right, so we're not... working together. But any minute now, I bet Dr. Jackson discovers some key piece of information that sets us off on a great adventure.

AUDIENCE: He is a fanboy beyond compare, isn't he?

DANIEL: This can't be right.

DANIEL FANS: Oh, just give in to the fanboy love.

DANIEL/CAMERON SLASHERS: Yes, please do.

[THE OTHER THREE TURN TO LOOK AT DANIEL. VALA LOOKS EXCITED AND MOVES BEHIND HIM. MITCHELL GIVES A "SEE" LOOK TO TEAL'C AS THEY BOTH APPROACH THE COMPUTER DESK. DANIEL TELLS THEM HE'S READING A DATABASE FROM ATLANTIS, WHICH LISTED THE NAMES OF THE ANCIENTS WHO LEFT DURING THE WRAITH SIEGE AND RETURNED TO EARTH. THE NAME MYRDDIN APPEARS ON THE TABLET AS THE ONE WHO SIGNED IT, AND HIS NAME IS ALSO ON THE LIST.]

MITCHELL: (skeptical) I have an Uncle Marvin. I'm pretty sure I don't know any Myrddins.

DANIEL: Uh... That's because his name in English sounds a little different. It... have you heard of... Merlin?

MITCHELL: Merlin? King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table? Merlin?

DANIEL: Yes.

MITCHELL: Was an Ancient?

DANIEL: I think so.

MITCHELL: (ponders for a moment, then, to Teal'c) See, THAT is what I'm talking about!

TEAL'C FANS: And Teal'c is wondering what the hell you *are* talking about, Tau'ri. He's not from Earth, so he probably doesn't know mythology, unless Daniel has been teaching him.

DANIEL/TEAL'C SLASHERS: Yes. Teaching. That's it.

AUDIENCE: Can we point out that Myrddin may be the Ancient version of John, so that doesn't mean this is the same person?

WRITERS: No.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL IS PLAYING EXPOSITION BOY TO MITCHELL, LANDRY, VALA AND TEAL'C ABOUT ARTHURIAN LEGENDS.]

LANDRY: [eyes glassed over]

MITCHELL: [kewl]

VALA [treasure!]

[DANIEL TELLS THEM THAT ARTHUR WAS SUPPOSEDLY CARRIED OFF BY MERLIN TO THE VALE OF AVALON, A MAGICAL PLACE WHERE THE DEAD WOULD MEET.]

SLASHERS: Suuuuure it was. Merlin just carried him off to shag him senseless, right?

AUDIENCE: Ew. Camelot slash? No thanks.

SLASHERS: Oh, come on Merlin/Arthur or Arthur/Lancelot could be the main OTPs, with a lot of Merlin/Arthur/Lancelet OT3s.

SMUTTERS: And Guenivere liked to watch.

FEMSLASHERS: And then there's Guenivere/Lady of the Lake, and Guenivere/Morgan La Fey. Oh, and Morgan La Fey/Lady of the Lake, for some really good "love to hate you" stuff.

NOROMOS: And then there's bleach. Lots and lots of bleach.

GUYS WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: We'll loan you our scrub brushes.

ORGY FANS: Nah, we're saving that to clean the Round Table when the Knights are done. And we don't mean with the food.

NOROMOS: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

GUYS WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: Um. We don't want our scrub brushes back, thanks bunches.

[DANIEL NOW THINKS THAT AVALON WAS A REAL PLACE, WHERE MERLIN HELPED THE MORTAL ARTHUR ASCEND.]

SLASHERS: Well, we're pretty sure he was feeling rather glowy... and sweaty.

LANDRY: What does this have to do with where this alleged treasure is buried?

DANIEL: Well, there are a number of conflicting interpretations, but certain threads point to the Knights of the Round Table gathering great treasures from the far corners of Arthur's domain and hiding them in a magical stronghold at Avalon.

VALA: [perk]

MITCHELL: Including the Holy Grail.

DANIEL: According to some.

VALA: (calculating) So this grail. What's that worth?

[MITCHELL TURNS TO LOOK AT HER.]

VALA: What?

AUDIENCE: Oh, don't worry, it's just worth a few holy wars.

[DANIEL CONTINUES BABBLING HISTORY, INCLUDING THAT SUPPOSEDLY ARTHUR'S GRAVE WAS FOUND AT GLASTONBURY, AND THAT LEGENDS CLAIM THE GLASTONBURY TOR IS HOLLOW AND CONTAINS THE ENTRANCE TO AVALON.]

LANDRY: Has no one ever done any sort of geological survey?

DANIEL: There have been several scientific studies apparently disproving the myth-

LANDRY: (impatient) Jackson-

DANIEL FANS: Daniel doesn't have Landry well trained yet, does he?

DANIEL: (speaking over him) We're talking about the Ancients, sir. It's very possible that the underground entrance was concealed with some sort of technology.

MITCHELL: Sir, we're hoping to use the Asgard sensors aboard the Prometheus to find something we haven't been able to see before.

LANDRY: Thank you! Well, two years ago, I wouldn't have believed we'd find an Ancient outpost under a mile of ice in Antarctica. I'll call the President. I'm sure he'll want to inform the British Prime Minister.

BRITISH FANS: You mean he's calling to tell the British military to stay the hell out of their way?

[LANDRY GOES TO HIS OFFICE TO MAKE THE CALL, WHILE MITCHELL TALKS TO DANIEL.]

MITCHELL: (excited) That was fantastic! You talk to Carter yet?

DANIEL: Uhh, yeah. She can't make it.

MITCHELL: What? This is huge! We could be on the brink of another major discovery of Ancient technology here.

SNIT: She's washing her hair at the moment, so she can't go. Her hairbrush is still MIA though.

SAM/JACK FANS: No, no, she's busy with Jack!

DANIEL: Look, I'm sure she'll be interested in whatever we find.

[DANIEL PATS MITCHELL ON THE SHOULDER AND BEATS A HASTY RETREAT. MITCHELL LOOKS FRUSTRATED. VALA WRAPS HER ARM AROUND MITCHELL'S AND LEADS HIM OUT OF THE ROOM.]

VALA: Hmm. Try playing hard to get.

MITCHELL: Man, look who's talking.

DANIEL/MITCHELL SLASHERS: Even Vala can see Mitchell's so got a crush.

INT. PROMETHEUS LOCKER ROOM

[DANIEL, TEAL'C AND MITCHELL ARE GEARING UP. MITCHELL TOSSES DANIEL HIS VEST, AND DANIEL PUTS IT ON AS THEY TALK.]

MITCHELL: So what do you reckon the range of those things is?

DANIEL: Well, Dr. Lee seems to think we need to stay within 100 feet or so. More than half an hour outside that boundary, we begin to feel the effects.

MITCHELL: You know, if we do find something, I'm thinking maybe Teal'c and I should check it out.

[TEAL'C GIVES MITCHELL A "WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT MITCHELL?" LOOK.]

DANIEL: Uhh, I missed the Daedalus because of this. If we find a secret Ancient base, I'm going.

MITCHELL: It means we've got to take her with us.

DANIEL: Good point.

MITCHELL: Look, I want you there, you know that. I'm just thinking we could stay in radio contact.

DANIEL/MITCHELL SLASHERS: He *wants* him there, and Daniel knows it. Canon!

[MITCHELL IS SUMMONED TO AUXILIARY CONTROL ROOM TWO, WITH DANIEL AND TEAL'C FOLLOWING HIM OUT.]

INT. PROMETHEUS, AUXILIARY CONTROL ROOM TWO

[DANIEL AND VALA ENTER, CLOSELY FOLLOWING BY MITCHELL AND TEAL'C.]

VALA: Ah, now this brings back memories.

DANIEL: How's that?

VALA: Isn't this where I beat you up?

DANIEL: (looking around) No.

VALA: No, I'm pretty sure that (gestures) right there is where I crushed your-

[VALA REACHES UP AND CARESSES DANIEL'S CHEEK. MITCHELL SHOVES HIS WAY BETWEEN VALA AND DANIEL, PUSHING THEM APART, AND WALKS PAST THEM.]

MITCHELL: All right, excuse me, kids. Marks, what do you got?

VALA/MITCHELL SHIPPERS: He's jealoooooouuuuuus.

MITCHELL/DANIEL SLASHERS: Oh dear, yes.

JACK FANS: Hey, only Jack gets to refer to the team as "kids."

AUDIENCE: Jack's not there, and they're not exactly a team.

JACK FANS: [sob]

TEAM FANS: [sob]

MITCHELL FANS: Yet! They're not a team yet! We have hope.

FARSCAPE FANS: There, there. We're sure they'll be a team soon. One with sex-crazed gray chick, a big guy with, ah... dreadlocks, and a short guy who farts helium.

TEAM FANS: Not. Helping.

MARKS: Well, thanks to the Asgard sensors we were able to map around the energy distortion that would have normally fooled deep ground sonar. I was able to define a large main cavern, a network of tunnels, and some smaller caves.

MITCHELL: Well done, Lieutenant.

[MITCHELL CLAPS MARKS ON THE SHOULDER.]

VALA: (bending over close to Marks) Can you see what's in there, say large piles of precious metals?

[MARKS IS SLIGHTLY DISCOMFITED BY THE CLOSE PRESENCE OF VALA, PARTICULARLY WHEN HER BODICE IS NOW EYE LEVEL TO HIM. DANIEL REACHES DOWN AND PULLS VALA UPRIGHT BY THE SCRUFF OF HER NECK, THEN PATS HER SHOULDER BRIEFLY.]

MARKS: Uh, like I said, we could only map the exterior of the structure.

[MITCHELL ASKS IF HE'S FOUND A WAY IN, AND MARKS SAYS THERE'S NO VISIBLE ACCESS FROM THE SURFACE. DANIEL ASKS ABOUT THE ASGARD BEAMS, BUT MARKS SAID THEY DON'T SEEM TO PENETRATE THE ENERGY SHIELD DISGUISING THE CAVES.]

VALA: Rings.

[EVERYONE LOOKS AT HER.]

VALA FANS: And no, she's not asking if there are rings in the treasure.

VALA: The Ancients were the Gate Builders, right? And they invented the rings too. They had to get in and out of there somehow, and I know this ship has rings. It's how I-

DANIEL: Yeah, yeah. Good times, good times. She's right, though.

MARKS: If there are rings down there, we should be able to lock on. But your radios won't work.

[DANIEL AND MITCHELL EXCHANGE LOOKS. MITCHELL CROSSES THE ROOM, CLAPPING DANIEL ON THE SHOULDER IN SYMPATHY AS HE PASSES.]

MITCHELL: Looks like we're all going.

MARKS: You'll be on your own.

MITCHELL: (to Vala) Ladies first.

VALA: (to Daniel) Well then, after you.

DANIEL FANS: Hey!

DANIEL/MITCHELL SLASHERS: Is that telling us that Vala knows who tops?

[DANIEL PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, DECIDES NOT TO RISE TO THE BAIT, AND EXITS THE ROOM. VALA FOLLOWS.]

MITCHELL: (to Teal'c while exiting) Come on. This is fun, right?

[TEAL'C LOOKS LIKE HE THINKS MITCHELL'S LOST HIS MIND.]

INT. AVALON CHAMBER

[THE RINGS DEPOSIT MITCHELL, TEAL'C, DANIEL AND VALA INTO A LARGE DARK CAVE.]

MITCHELL: Wicked! (swoops flashlight around) And empty.

AUDIENCE: He's *such* a fanboy. But it would be kinda cool to transport via the rings.

VALA: Well, I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: Canon!

AUDIENCE: Oh please, you trust something Vala says?

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: If it gets us canon, you betcha!

[DANIEL STOPS SHORT AT HER STATEMENT, AS DOES TEAL'C, WHO SHINES HIS LIGHT ON DANIEL IN SURPRISE.]

SLASHERS: Honey, let's just say... he's not that into you. You don't have the proper equipment.

[TEAL'C AND DANIEL EXCHANGE EXPRESSIONS IN THE DARKNESS BEFORE FOLLOWING VALA AND MITCHELL. ALL FOUR WALK UP A SMALL STAIRCASE WHERE A LARGE STONE ALTAR IS LOCATED. AS THEY APPROACH, A BEAM APPEARS WHICH LEAVES A LARGE SWORD EMBEDDED IN THE STONE. VALA ASKS WHAT IT MEANS.]

DANIEL: Well, King Arthur once pulled a sword from a stone as proof of his righteousness and royalty.

MITCHELL: Excalibur.

[DANIEL EXPLAINS THAT A COMMON MISCONCEPTION. EXCALIBUR WAS FORGED BY THE LADY OF THE LAKE AT AVALON, BUT ONLY AFTER THE SWORD ARTHUR PULLED FROM THE STONE BROKE IN BATTLE.]

DANIEL FANS: There's our Archeology Boy! [smooch]

MONTY PYTHON FANS: So was the watery tart who threw a sword at Arthur also an Ancient?

[MITCHELL TRIES TO REMOVE THE SWORD, BUT FAILS.]

VALA: (whispering to Teal'c) Give it a try, Muscles, I'll give you half.

[TEAL'C LOOKS AT VALA, WHO'S STILL SMILING AND NODDING ENCOURAGINGLY. MITCHELL GRUNTS AND RELEASES HIS HOLD ON THE SWORD. AS SOON AS HE STEPS BACK, A HOLOGRAM OF MERLIN APPEARS, GREETING THE "KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE" AND TELLING THEM THAT THEY MUST HAVE A WEALTH OF KNOWLEDGE AND TRUTH OF SPIRIT TO ENTER THE UNDERWORLD. HE ALSO MAKES REFERENCE TO AMBROSIUS AURELIANUS, WHICH DANIEL EXPLAINS SOME SCHOLARS HAVE THOUGHT AMBROSIUS AND ARTHUR WERE THE SAME PERSON, AND BEGINS TO BABBLE IN ARCHAEOLOGIST GEEK ECSTASY UNTIL VALA INTERRUPTS.]

VALA: (frustrated and dismissive) Yes, yes, yes. "Fascinating" is the one thing it's not. How do we prove ye worthy and get all to be revealed?

DANIEL: I have no idea, but something tells me "truth of spirit" might be a problem for you.

AUDIENCE: Me-ow.

VALA: (irritated) You know nothing about me.

DANIEL: Because everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie.

AUDIENCE: Hiss, hiss.

MITCHELL: DON'T make me separate you two.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: We dare you to try.

TRI-SMUTTERS: We wouldn't mind if he's separating them with his body, if you catch our drift.

BDSMERS: We think they need a sound spanking. OK, OK, *we* need them to have a sound spanking. Whatever.

TEAL'C: (from further in the cavern) Perhaps there is something in these tunnels.

MITCHELL: See, that is why he's here. Genius. We're going to split up. I'm with Teal'c. Yo! Wait up.

[MITCHELL HASTENS TO JOIN TEAL'C, LEAVING AN ANNOYED DANIEL AND VALA BY THE SWORD IN THE STONE.]

TEAL'C/MITCHELL SLASHERS: Someone's got a crush!

[MITCHELL AND TEAL'C USE FLASHLIGHTS TO MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN A DARK TUNNEL.]

MITCHELL: I guess it would have been too easy for them to just leave their stuff laying out in the open.

[TEAL'C REMAINS SILENT.]

MITCHELL: Maybe it's just me, but I'm digging this rapport developing between the two of us.

[TEAL'C PAUSES SLIGHTLY IN HIS STEP AT MITCHELL'S COMMENT BUT MAKES NO OTHER RESPONSE.]

TEAL'C/MITCHELL SLASHERS: He digs the strong and silent type.

TEAL'C FANS: Don't take it personally, but Teal'c's just not used to people actually expecting him to talk. Hold up a wall, yes, talk, not so much.

[DANIEL AND VALA MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN ANOTHER TUNNEL.]

VALA: You should give me a weapon.

DANIEL: Nope.

VALA: There could be some sort of icky creature down here left behind to protect the treasure.

DANIEL: For hundreds of years?

VALA: Some sort of stasis or hibernation. What if it senses our presence and awakens hungry for human flesh?

DANIEL: That doesn't quite sound like the Ancients' style.

VALA: (sighing) Still..

DANIEL: I'm sure if there is a monster down here, it's going to be much more scared of you than you are of it. (pauses) Especially once it gets to know you.

VALA: [pout]

[MEANWHILE, TEAL'C AND MITCHELL FIND A SMALL CHAMBER AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, WITH A STONE ALTAR IN THE CENTER. AS THEY APPROACH, FLAMES ERUPT FROM SMALL POTS ON THE FLOOR, LIGHTING THE ROOM. MITCHELL APPROACHES THE ALTAR, THEN MOTIONS FOR TEAL'C TO JOIN HIM. AS SOON AS THEY'RE BOTH FURTHER INTO THE CHAMBER, A STONE SLAB SLAMS DOWN OVER THE DOOR.

MITCHELL: Okay, that can't be good. (into radio) Jackson, come in. Jackson, can you hear me?

[BACK IN THE OTHER TUNNEL, DANIEL AND VALA HAVE REACHED THE END OF THEIR TUNNEL AND FIND A SIMILAR CHAMBER TO THE ONE DISCOVERED BY MITCHELL AND TEAL'C. AS THEY APPROACH, THE FLAMES APPEAR TO LIGHT THE ROOM.]

DANIEL: If you immediately know the candlelight is fire...

VALA: Huh?

DANIEL: Nothing.

VALA: Hmm.

DANIEL/OMA SHIPPERS: Tell her about Oma, so the wench knows she doesn't stand a chance against that sort of Eternal Love.

NOROMOS: [boggle]

[ONCE THEY'RE INSIDE, A STONE SLAB SEALS OFF THEIR DOOR. AS THEY LOOK AROUND THE ROOM, THEY FIND ANOTHER STONE ALTAR, WITH A SILVER POT AND A GOLD POT UPON IT, WITH AN INSCRIPTION ON THE ALTAR'S SURFACE. DANIEL DEDUCES IT MUST BE SOME SORT OF TEST, SINCE THE HOLOGRAM SAID THAT "ONLY THOSE WITH THE WEALTH OF KNOWLEDGE AND TRUTH OF SPIRIT WILL PASS."]

VALA: What does it say?

DANIEL: It says "the universe is infinite."

VALA: That seems "infinitely" not useful. How about this one?

DANIEL: "The treasure is in this pot."

VALA: Really? I was hoping for something a little more substantial, but okay...

[VALA REACHES FOR THE LID, BUT DANIEL STOPS HER, RAISING HIS FINGER IN WARNING.]

DANIEL: Wait, wait, wait.

VALA: Too obvious?

DANIEL: Give me a minute.

[DANIEL TRIES TO THINK THE PUZZLE THROUGH. VALA PAUSES FOR TWO SECONDS, THEN GRUNTS AND AGAIN REACHES FOR THE LID OF THE POT. DANIEL WAVES HIS HAND AT HER AGAIN, HALTING HER MOVEMENT.]

DANIEL: Not a minute. (pregnant pause) Still not a minute.

[BACK IN MITCHELL AND TEAL'C'S CHAMBER, WHERE THEIR ALTAR HAS EIGHT STONE SQUARES LABELED WITH SYMBOLS ARE SET INTO TINY INDENTATIONS. BELOW THE EIGHT SQUARES IS A CAPTION WRITTEN IN ANCIENT.]

MITCHELL: All right. I am assuming this is some kind of puzzle. Can you read this writing?

[TEAL'C MOVES OVER TO THE ALTAR AND LOOKS AT THE ANCIENT WRITING.]

TEAL'C: No.

MITCHELL: [pout]

TEAL'C FANS: It's not you, sweetie, he's just a man of few words. And big muscles. Lots and lots of big, big muscles and... er, what were we saying?

MITCHELL: Well, I think we're supposed to arrange the stones in some sort of order. What do you think?

[TEAL'C LOOKS BACK AT THE SLAB COVERING THE ENTRANCE. HE AIMS HIS AUTOMATIC WEAPON AND FIRES REPEATEDLY AT THE STONE, WHILE MITCHELL DOES THE OMGWTF! DANCE, COMPLETE WITH FLAILING.]

MITCHELL: (agitated) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, man! Bullets bounce! [using a finger to illustrate a ricochet]

FARSCAPE FANS: John Crichton, we miss you ever so much!

TEAL'C: [grin]

TEAL'C FANS: Is that considered a grin?

BBE WRITERS: For Teal'c, that could probably be considered a face splitting smile.

TEAL'C FANS: Point taken.

AUDIENCE: Teal'c is totally hazing the new guy, isn't he?

[BACK IN THE OTHER CAVE, DANIEL IS STILL STANDING AND THINKING, HOLDING HIS FINGER UP IN A GESTURE OF WAIT. VALA HAS MOVED SO THAT SHE IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ALTAR FROM HIM, GETTING VERY ANTSY.]

VALA: Okay, how about this? We open both of them. Whichever one the treasure's in is the right one.

DANIEL: No, I think that's the wrong idea. There's two pots here, I think the point of the exercise is to only open one pot.

VALA: This says, "treasure is inside."

DANIEL: Right. Which makes it the obvious first choice.

VALA: So, over to the gold-

DANIEL: No.

VALA: Back to the silver then.

DANIEL: No. D-D-Don't.

AUDIENCE: This is like watching a weird Abbott and Costello routine.

[BEFORE HE CAN STOP HER, VALA LIFTS THE LID ON THE SILVER POT.]

VALA: It's empty.

DANIEL: [glare]

VALA:(disappointed) There's nothing I hate more than a boldfaced lie. (She puts the lid down, puts her hand on her hip and sighs) Okay.

[SHE REACHES FOR THE GOLD POT'S LID, BUT DANIEL GRABS HER ARM WITH ONE HAND AND POINTS HIS WEAPON AT HER WITH THE OTHER.]

DANIEL: (stuttering in anger) Wou... Would you stop!

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Daniel... words of wisdom here, "Go to your Happy Place."

VALA: What? We're already trapped in here. How much worse can it get?

[A LOW RUMBLING IS HEARD. THEY BOTH LOOK UP AS DUST STARTS FALLING. THE CEILING IS BEGINNING TO LOWER ON TOP OF THEM.]

DANIEL: How about that much?

VALA: (shaking her head, contrite) I knew it was a mistake the moment I said it. The moment.

[IN THE OTHER CHAMBER, MITCHELL IS TRYING DIFFERENT COMBINATIONS WITH THE BLOCKS, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS.]

MITCHELL: Okay. That didn't work.

[THEY HEAR A RUMBLING, AND THE CEILING BEGINS TO LOWER.]

TEAL'C: Indeed.

MITCHELL: Oh, come on!

[TEAL'C AND MITCHELL BOTH DESPERATELY PULL THE BLOCKS BACK OUT OF THE INDENTATIONS TO TRY ANOTHER COMBINATION.]

[BACK IN THE CHAMBER OF POTS (*NOT* CHAMBER POTS, MIND YOU), VALA PULLS HER ARM AWAY FROM DANIEL AND OPENS THE GOLD POT.]

VALA: This one's empty too!

DANIEL: I know!

VALA: That doesn't make sense!

DANIEL: I KNOW!

[MITCHELL IS REARRANGING THE BLOCKS OVER AND OVER, WHILE TEAL'C IS TRYING TO PHYSICALLY PREVENT THE CEILING FROM COMING DOWN ANY FURTHER.]

MITCHELL: Two down, and only a billion possible combinations to go.

TEAL'C: (grunting with effort) Are you still having fun, Colonel Mitchell?

MITCHELL FANS: *Now* you say more than two words to him?

[THE CEILING IN DANIEL AND VALA'S CHAMBER IS TOUCHING THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. VALA ASKS WHAT THEY SHOULD DO, AND HE SAYS HE DOESN'T KNOW.]

VALA: You don't know!?! So now is a bad time to tell you that I hate small spaces!?!

DANIEL: [glare]

[MEANWHILE, TEAL'C STILL TRIES TO PUSH AGAINST THE CEILING WITHOUT SUCCESS AS MITCHELL KEEPS WORKING ON PUZZLE COMBINATIONS.]

MITCHELL: Do you ever get a bad feeling about something?

AUDIENCE: Oh, quite often. Like we have a bad feeling...

TO BE CONTINUED...

AUDIENCE: ...THAT will happen.

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, AVALON 2, IN WHICH WE DISCOVER IF OUR INTREPID HEROES (AND VALA) ARE SQUISHED, LIKE WE HAVE ANY DOUBTS, AND DANIEL AND VALA GET TO VISIT A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY.

STAR WARS FANS: We have a bad feeling about this.

LUCASFILM LAWYERS: The lawsuit is strong in this one.


End file.
